Remember last week, when we found out about New York Jets coach Rex Ryan crappy tattoo on his Christmas vacation in the Bahamas? Well, that got me thinking: where does Ryan’s tattoo of his wife in a Mark Sanchez jersey rank in the pantheon of ill-advised sports tattoos?
21. The Cardinals Tear Drop
“Sure, I can do the Arizona Cardinals logo. No problem. But are you sure you want it directly underneath your right eye? That might look…weird.”
20. Commemorating Disaster
In 2008 the Detroit Lions became the first team to go winless for a season since the NFL switched to the 16-game schedule. And this guy decided to carve this infamy into his chest.
Of course, it’s probably the only historic things the Lions will ever do. So I guess you have to work with what’s handed to you.
19. The Dirk Butt
I’m no expert, but Dirk Nowitzki doesn’t seem like a particularly handsome gentleman. So why a young woman would want a picture of his face on her rear end is a mystery to me. I can only imagine what the men she’ll date in the future will think.
18. The Manning Brothers
You want a tattoo of Peyton Manning? Sure, okay. A tattoo of Eli Manning? Fine, why not. But a tattoo of Eli giving Peyton a noogie…on your ass cheek? Um, no. Not cool.
17. Throw it where?
This one is a perfect of example of what I mean by “ill advised.” The artwork here is phenomenal—what a great tat of Johnny Unitas! But the inscription? WTF.
I can just imagine the conversation at the tattoo parlor.
“Okay, all done with Johnny. Now what do you want on the scroll?
“Throw it in her butt.”
“Hahahahaha. No, really.”
“Really. Throw it in her butt.”
“Are you serious?”
16. Helmet Head
A) This doesn’t even look like a helmet.
B) What is the NFL ever switched brands and no longer used Riddell? Then you’d look pretty silly.
15. Al Davis?
At the time of his death, Al Davis might have been the worst owner in the NFL. So sure, why not get a tattoo of him on your arm?
14. Tyson Autograph
Wow, who would have thought Mike Tyson’s writing would look like chicken scratch?
Oh right. Everybody.
Who wouldn’t want to commemorate the best movie ever made about a 7-foot tall genie starring a basketball superstar?
12. The Bears Tramp Stamp
Wow, there’s just nothing right about this. However, it could be worse. At least she didn’t get Jay Cutler’s #6.
11. The Elway Thigh
This is some nice art. Unfortunately, it’s a little weird to get a huge tattoo of another man’s face on your thigh.
10. The Clemons Tigers
It was hard to justify including this one, given the rules I set out for myself—namely, that the fail had to occur in the idea phase and not the execution stage. However, I decided that this gloriously misspelled tat had a place on the list because a full-back tattoo dedicated to a college football team is always ill-advised.
9. Pooh Bear is an Islanders fan
Actually, this one kind of makes sense. The New York Islanders are pretty poohey.
8. The Lynching
I’ll admit that Jim McMahon was a love-him-or-hate-him type of guy. But still, a tattoo of Troy Aikman lynching him seems a bit extreme.
7. The Meta Sports Tattoo
Which tattoo was more ill-advised: the tattoo Mike Tyson got on his face, or this person’s tattoo of the tattoo Mike Tyson got on his face?
6. Michelle Ryan
After careful consideration, I’ve put Rex Ryan’s tattoo of his wife, Michelle, at the no. 6 spot on this list. I know it’s a newcomer, but there’s so much that is wrong with this choice.
First off, when a woman is wearing nothing but a man’s shirt, that kind of implies they spent the night together. Then there’s the fact that a coach has a tattoo referencing one of his players, which might suggest it’s hard for him to remain impartial when making important team decisions. But really, the worst thing about this in my opinion is the simple fact that an NFL coach got a tattoo of the team he coaches for.
Why is that so bad? Because no job is permanent in the NFL. None. I mean, do you think Andy Reid has a tattoo of the Eagles on his chest? No way, because he knows nothing lasts. Even the best coaches move around.
And yet here’s Rex Ryan with a Jets jersey on his arm. Yikes.
5. Premature Tattoo Celebration, Part I
I’m guessing this guy got to the tattoo parlor in the 7th or 8th inning of Game 6 of the 2011 World Series thinking there was no way the Rangers would lose.
4. Premature Tattoo Celebration, Part II
At least the last one had “World Champs” in a discrete font that could be covered up. There’s no way to fix the giant XLVI on this one.
3. Jeremy Lin: Knick for Life
Man, there’s no way the Knicks would ever let Jeremy Lin go, right? Right?
2. Tebow Come Down from Heaven
Man, there’s no way the Broncos would let Tim Tebow go, right? Right?
1. Tebow Time
The only thing that could possibly beat a Tim Tebow Broncos tattoo? Another Tim Tebow Broncos tattoo—with Tebow as a centaur.